Isaiah 9:6*

Hog fans, I'm going to lead off this pregame predictions thread with a little story. This is a story that many of you are familiar with, and you have undoubtedly heard it in some form or fashion throughout your entire lives. The story is one replicated thoughout time, whether it is about a turtle that just keep plodding along or Little Engine that thinks he can. This story was recently played out in front of the entire world, as a community organizer somehow was elected to lead the most powerful country in the world, all because he said the words "hope" and "change". This, hog fans, is the story of David and Goliath (slightly altered to reflect current events and situations).

It was a warm sunny morning in the marshes of the Southeast. Fans came from all around to watch what was touted to be just another victory on the road to take the promised land. They sat in the stands, prepared for what was undoubtedly going to be a bloodbath, as they had listened to the media's undying love and adoration for the one from Gainsville a little too much. The battle had been all but won, and it had yet to even begin... or so it seemed.

When both teams took the field, men wearing jorts and women with big hair swooned over their leader. He had been proclaimed the second coming by certain announcers, and had previously been given awards that deserved to go to others. He yelled at his comrades to play harder after a lapse in performance the previous year, and at no point had such a widely acclaimed leader sounded so gay. He guaranteed victories, and until this day, had delivered on his promise.

However, something happened on this warm day in October that shocked the world. The second coming ran across a group that wasn't scared. This group wasn't concerned by the best defense in the land, and really didn't understand why people were so fascinated by a guy who liked to circumcize Phillipino boys. They saw their opponents for what they were... just another team. For sixty minutes the two teams battled, and a fierce battle it was. Blows were exchanged, and lives were taken (figuratively, of course). After a long day filled with WAAYYY too many commercial breaks, a new leader emerged. A new #15 came to the forefront as he captained his team to the most unlikely of victories... and the gods rejoiced. This, Hog Fans, is the story of Mallett and Tebow.

I understand the chances of this story actually playing out are probably in the 10:1 range, but hey, it's certainly fun to think about. Which leads me into what will hopefully be another stellar round of predictions in this addition I like to call The Gospel According to Bobby.

• Bobby 1:15 - There are some people in this world that are natural born leaders, and this fact is undeniable. Some people put themselves in the position to influence a great number of people with their actions, both on and off the field, and you can't deny that Tim Tebow has fit this mold. All kidding aside, he seems like a really great guy, and had he not stolen D-Mac's Heisman, I think I could actually root for him. Saturday however is a different story. Be prepared to see a new #15 emerge as the future of college football. When Mallet keeps us close, and maybe even pull off the huge win, be prepared to hear nothing but praise for him from Gary Danielson and Verne Lundquist for the next 2 years. (Note: Figure out who is roommate is, because you'll here his name a lot too)
• Bobby 3:21 - Games aren't won on paper, but it's certainly a good place to start. The Hogs are outmatched across the board, and the media has made sure to tell us this time and time again. Even when people say that the Hogs offense will be the best that Florida has seen all season, they go on to predict we'll only score one touchdown. This will not be the case. The Hogs will score AT LEAST 3 touchdowns, and if Petrino's game plan is actually working it could be even more. If we are to win this game, it's because Bobby and Paul find a way to beat the Florida D with play calling... followed by excellent execution
• Bobby 4:13 - Life is not worth living if you don't have any fun. If you can't be relaxed coming into a game as 27 point underdogs, when can you be??? Expect to see the Hogs come out on Saturday with a different type of swagger, and expect a completely different team than what showed up to Tuscaloosa. And I think I might consider making any Hog that mocks Superman in any way shape or form my #1 player of the year
• Bobby 6:9 - Balance is the key to success. I mentioned last week how the Razorback running game was going to be the star of the show, and this was partially true. They finally had the breakout game they needed out of Smith, and Broderick Green finally pounded in the short TD runs. With #21 questionable, I'd like to see an underclassman (Wingo) emerge as the next back to lead the running game. The running game lets the passing game succeed in this one, and DJ Williams will get more of the ball
• Bobby 10:13 - Expect great things from here on out. No matter the outcome of this game, the rest of the season looks great for the Hogs. At the beginning of the year, people were saying 7-5 or 6-6 would be all we could achieve. Some prognosticators said the team was 9-3 bound, while others said it would be a max of 8-4. At the half way point in the season, the Hogs will likely be 3-3. During the next six games, we only play one team that is worth a damn (South Carolina, you still suck and will get your asses kicked in Tuscaloosa), and by the twelth game of the season we might really be rolling. I'm going to leave the predictions up to you, but it could be a fun 6 game stretch

On a side note, the other games around the SEC are kind of hard to root for this weekend. I'd like to see Vanderbilt beat UGA, but that really doesn't make us look all that hot. The Mississippi schools play two Middle of Nowhere States, so there is nothing to see there. Alabama is going to continue their march to Atlanta, and Auburn gets to bounce back from their terrible performance in Fayetteville by travelling to Lexington. All in all, not much to see here.

This Saturday, as every other Saturday in the Fall, will be filled with lots of booze and lots of football. We'll wake up on Sunday, try to remember the big plays what randomly racist comment Lou Holtz said to Mark May the night before, drink a beer to get over the hangover, and wish we could do it all over again. Could life get any better... I think not.

GO HOGS!

*If you have to ask, you need some serious Churching in your life

The Crown Pub Show

One of the most enjoyable parts of the week after a big win is looking back at all of the moments and remembering how great the Hogs looked on the field. In a way, there are never enough highlights. ESPN never seems to play that 5 yard touchdown scamper by a far from stealthy Ryan Mallett. And how on earth did they miss the 70 yard kickoff return by one of the most electrifying return men in the game, Dennis Johnson? To add insult to injury, Sports Illustrated's look back at the Top 25 in pictures showed an Auburn D-back (names McFadden ironically enough) intercepting a deep ball thrown by #15. But despite all of this, it's still all good.

However, there comes a time to move on and to start looking to the opponent ahead. I realize that the coaches and players were already moving on at about 3pm last Saturday, but as fans we love to revel in a good old fashioned ass kicking. So when is the proper time to move on? In my own experience, I have finally gotten my fill after watching one of the most boringly wonderful hours of television ever produced... The Bobby Petrino Show.*

Ever since I was a little kid I remember staying up on Sunday nights with my parents to watch what was originally the Danny Ford Show. Holy s***, if you ever want to hear someone butcher the English language, just watch an hour of Danny Ford talk about the games he coached. I still to this day remember the only player he knew on the entire team was BarrLunneyJunr (one word). Everyone else was "Good play #__." How this man won a National Championship I'll never know.

Then came the decade of Nutt. This was ten years of terrible television that was highlighted by quotes like "Gosh Chuck, you just gotta make that tackle. You bring that guy down and it's a diferent game." Or who can forget "He's a special player. He's a winner. A real fighter." In the words of a famous Alabama dimwit, that's all I got to say about that.

So with the introduction of Bobby Petrino came the introduction of the Bobby Petrino Show. Somehow, it's completely different than the previous 15 years of "entertainment" we've been blessed with, but equally as terrible. I have never seen a man make a huge win seem so damned boring, but somehow Coach Petrino does it. He manages to take what is an offensively spectacular display of passing and rushing and make it seem like the most mundane highlight reel ever put together.

But, for some reason, I've actually found my peace with this situation. It doesn't really bother me that I don't understand half of what the man talks about. I guess it just shows that he knows exactly what he's doing, and his coaching staff really is top notch. I don't really need to see the plays in the order they happen, just as long as I get to see them one last time. And just because Petrino may not be the most enthusiastic man on Earth doesn't mean he does not love the game with everything he's got.

So, if you ever find yourself looking to get that one last Saturday fix, look no further than to one of the most underrated hours television you'll ever find. But don't wait too long to do so, because before you know it, Tim Tebow will be here trying to circumcize your children and baptize your dogs.

~ Crown Pub

* The Bobby Petrino Show airs at 4pm on Tuesday afternoons on Fox Sports Southwest for viewers not currently residing in the Great State of Arkansas

48 Hours and Counting

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Currently, we are a little less than 48 hours from game time in the Ozarks, where the Auburn Tigers will try to improve their perfect season to an impressive 6-0 against the Arkansas Razorbacks who sit at 2-2. This may seem like a no brainer win for the Tigers, but their previous five wins have come against a weak notch Big East squad, two no names, and two of the worst teams in the SEC (sorry Tennessee, you still suck, even with $5m + coaching staff). This matchup leads us to an interesting crossroads for two teams and their very young 2009 seasons.

Scenario 1: If Auburn wins, they are already bowl eligible, and head into the Kentucky game looking to secure their 7th win. They then get the heart of the SEC (LSU, Ole Miss - sort of, Georgia, and Alabama). Their season could end 8-4 or 11-1.

Scenario 2: The Razorbacks give Auburn their first true test of the season, and the explosive Tigers running game gets shut down by a much improved Arkansas defense. The Hogs win will give them a ton of confidence going into the Swamp, where a post LSU letdown will leave the Florida Tebows vulnerable to an upset (see Ole Miss 2008). The Hogs would likely end their season 7-5 or 8-4, and a New Years day bowl would be a possibility.

So now that we've documented what's on the line, it's time to go over what we should expect from the game on Saturday.

• Gus Malzahn will still be loved by the Razorback faithful. He will enter Fayetteville looking to avenge his loss last year while coaching Tulsa, and will manage to make all Hog fans happy by either losing, or by getting our hopes up that his prolific offense will some day lead our team into SEC battle. Gus is a great coach and a class act, and everyone will recognize this fact by the end of the game
• Traffic will be bitched about by everyone that has the unfortunate task of driving into Fayetteville for the 11am game. Exits will be backed up for miles, and the Fayetteville and Springdale Police departments will do nothing to alleviate the problem that will leave the stadium half empty until the beginning of the second quarter
• Ryan Mallett will get his chance to shine at home against another unproven defense. If he is given enough time, he'll get his fair share of opportunities to exploit the Auburn D, and barring our receivers having a bad hands day, should have very efficient (note: not prolific) passing numbers
• The Running Backs will finally get the game they've been looking for. Texas A&M was not a good team, and by the end of the game the offense had worn them down. This allowed for a solid 62 yard TD at the end of the game which might have been what the offense has been looking for all season. In order to truly prove themselves, they're going to have to be able to get that 2 yard touchdown run they've been missing
• The Defense will likely get torn to pieces. While I do believe the Jerry Franklin TD runback against A&M was the turning point in the defensive season, they're still not there yet. Look for the running defense to be truly tested, and if they don't respond, look for the secondary to be tested just as much. It might be a very long day for these guys However, if they carry over some of what they had while playing in the Death Star, they might be the heroes of the game
• If you're watching on TV, expect to see the gayest commercial in the SEC on at least 200 times. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, it's the one where someone is fishing on a boat in Alaska, and a plane lands on the water with the Auburn Tiger tail flying off of the back of it. The jackass flying right into the middle of the guys fishing spot leans out of the plane and yells "WAR EAGLE," and the fisherman responds in kind. This commercial is so stupid it hurts my head to think that a marketing degree at Auburn might actually be worth the paper it's written on
• Arkansas fans will cheer whenever they hear the score of the Alabama v. Ole Miss game. While Houston Nutt may have avoided a loss at Vanderbilt (congrats on that one!), there is no way he defends his home turf against arguably the best team in the nation. Hootie is on the record as saying that if the Rebels make it to the 4th quarter they'll be good. Guess what guys, Jevan Snead is going to show off that Heisman arm and throw 2 picks... in the first quarter. Not only will they not make it to the fourth quarter, they likely won't make it to halftime before it's a blowout. Have fun Ole Miss, you're really going to enjoy that new coach of yours
• People will have a tough time rooting for anyone in the night game. Nobody likes Florida, and everyone hates LSU. It's a lesser of two evil situations, and either way, rednecks in some white trash city will be celebrating after the game is over. The only question is if they'll smell like corndogs or not

I'm sure there is plenty more that will transpire during what will be a perfect weekend in God's Country. Other highlights might include Orange Peel jell-o shots at a tailgate in the pit (http://bit.ly/1NQIXn), people celebrating on Dickson with a post game pub crawl, a pint at the pub and some pub bowling, and undoubtedly a few drinks at Razorbelle's favorite bar with a Big Ass Fan.

Enjoy the weekend Hog fans. And remember, nothing is better than a game day on The Hill.

GO HOGS!