Isaiah 9:6*

Hog fans, I'm going to lead off this pregame predictions thread with a little story. This is a story that many of you are familiar with, and you have undoubtedly heard it in some form or fashion throughout your entire lives. The story is one replicated thoughout time, whether it is about a turtle that just keep plodding along or Little Engine that thinks he can. This story was recently played out in front of the entire world, as a community organizer somehow was elected to lead the most powerful country in the world, all because he said the words "hope" and "change". This, hog fans, is the story of David and Goliath (slightly altered to reflect current events and situations).

It was a warm sunny morning in the marshes of the Southeast. Fans came from all around to watch what was touted to be just another victory on the road to take the promised land. They sat in the stands, prepared for what was undoubtedly going to be a bloodbath, as they had listened to the media's undying love and adoration for the one from Gainsville a little too much. The battle had been all but won, and it had yet to even begin... or so it seemed.

When both teams took the field, men wearing jorts and women with big hair swooned over their leader. He had been proclaimed the second coming by certain announcers, and had previously been given awards that deserved to go to others. He yelled at his comrades to play harder after a lapse in performance the previous year, and at no point had such a widely acclaimed leader sounded so gay. He guaranteed victories, and until this day, had delivered on his promise.

However, something happened on this warm day in October that shocked the world. The second coming ran across a group that wasn't scared. This group wasn't concerned by the best defense in the land, and really didn't understand why people were so fascinated by a guy who liked to circumcize Phillipino boys. They saw their opponents for what they were... just another team. For sixty minutes the two teams battled, and a fierce battle it was. Blows were exchanged, and lives were taken (figuratively, of course). After a long day filled with WAAYYY too many commercial breaks, a new leader emerged. A new #15 came to the forefront as he captained his team to the most unlikely of victories... and the gods rejoiced. This, Hog Fans, is the story of Mallett and Tebow.

I understand the chances of this story actually playing out are probably in the 10:1 range, but hey, it's certainly fun to think about. Which leads me into what will hopefully be another stellar round of predictions in this addition I like to call The Gospel According to Bobby.

• Bobby 1:15 - There are some people in this world that are natural born leaders, and this fact is undeniable. Some people put themselves in the position to influence a great number of people with their actions, both on and off the field, and you can't deny that Tim Tebow has fit this mold. All kidding aside, he seems like a really great guy, and had he not stolen D-Mac's Heisman, I think I could actually root for him. Saturday however is a different story. Be prepared to see a new #15 emerge as the future of college football. When Mallet keeps us close, and maybe even pull off the huge win, be prepared to hear nothing but praise for him from Gary Danielson and Verne Lundquist for the next 2 years. (Note: Figure out who is roommate is, because you'll here his name a lot too)
• Bobby 3:21 - Games aren't won on paper, but it's certainly a good place to start. The Hogs are outmatched across the board, and the media has made sure to tell us this time and time again. Even when people say that the Hogs offense will be the best that Florida has seen all season, they go on to predict we'll only score one touchdown. This will not be the case. The Hogs will score AT LEAST 3 touchdowns, and if Petrino's game plan is actually working it could be even more. If we are to win this game, it's because Bobby and Paul find a way to beat the Florida D with play calling... followed by excellent execution
• Bobby 4:13 - Life is not worth living if you don't have any fun. If you can't be relaxed coming into a game as 27 point underdogs, when can you be??? Expect to see the Hogs come out on Saturday with a different type of swagger, and expect a completely different team than what showed up to Tuscaloosa. And I think I might consider making any Hog that mocks Superman in any way shape or form my #1 player of the year
• Bobby 6:9 - Balance is the key to success. I mentioned last week how the Razorback running game was going to be the star of the show, and this was partially true. They finally had the breakout game they needed out of Smith, and Broderick Green finally pounded in the short TD runs. With #21 questionable, I'd like to see an underclassman (Wingo) emerge as the next back to lead the running game. The running game lets the passing game succeed in this one, and DJ Williams will get more of the ball
• Bobby 10:13 - Expect great things from here on out. No matter the outcome of this game, the rest of the season looks great for the Hogs. At the beginning of the year, people were saying 7-5 or 6-6 would be all we could achieve. Some prognosticators said the team was 9-3 bound, while others said it would be a max of 8-4. At the half way point in the season, the Hogs will likely be 3-3. During the next six games, we only play one team that is worth a damn (South Carolina, you still suck and will get your asses kicked in Tuscaloosa), and by the twelth game of the season we might really be rolling. I'm going to leave the predictions up to you, but it could be a fun 6 game stretch

On a side note, the other games around the SEC are kind of hard to root for this weekend. I'd like to see Vanderbilt beat UGA, but that really doesn't make us look all that hot. The Mississippi schools play two Middle of Nowhere States, so there is nothing to see there. Alabama is going to continue their march to Atlanta, and Auburn gets to bounce back from their terrible performance in Fayetteville by travelling to Lexington. All in all, not much to see here.

This Saturday, as every other Saturday in the Fall, will be filled with lots of booze and lots of football. We'll wake up on Sunday, try to remember the big plays what randomly racist comment Lou Holtz said to Mark May the night before, drink a beer to get over the hangover, and wish we could do it all over again. Could life get any better... I think not.

GO HOGS!

*If you have to ask, you need some serious Churching in your life

Sunshine

It seems the sun hasn't shined in Arkansas in ages, and I heard a stat three days ago that it's rained 11 out of the last 12 days. Make that 14 of 15. Despite all this gloom in the weather, it seems the sun is shining in Hog Country brighter than its shined since our basketball team beat Oklahoma and Texas last season (see total eclipse of the sun). It seems "Sunshine" Rick Schaeffer's attitude has rubbed off on every Hog fan and for good reason.

The only thing I listen to on the radio is the Buzz, but two weeks ago, you couldn't pay me to listen to the backwoods bubbas calling in asking if it was time for a change at D-coordinator. My how the tables have turned just two short weeks later. All of the sudden, most of the predictions heard from Hog fans actually FAVOR Arkansas against the nation's top ranked team. Granted, our talent isn't what Florida's is, and we'll see the second best defense in the country on Saturday (while ranked first statistically, I believe we already saw the first), but we have an offense good enough to counter this. Last week, before Auburn, I quoted some interesting stats to show that, while Auburn's much improved, the past history shows that when we played Auburn, stats don't matter. I'm not doing that this week because...check any stat...we lose.


So, here are my reasons why we beat Florida this weekend:


1. Ryan Mallett looked flustered against Alabama and lost some of his fundamentals. That won't happen this weekend. He's more mature after just two games, and he'll be able to step up in the pocket under pressure and make throws or scramble for a few. Against Auburn we learned that Mallett is not just a statue of himself (and he did too). The coaches and players seem to be on the same page and ready to win.


2. Our fans don't wear jorts (an neither does our starting QB).


3. This is a trap game for the Raging Tebows. As much as Meyer talks about how good we looked against Auburn and how we dominated all aspects of the game, Meyer has to know his players are already looking ahead to a Bama matchup. Meyer's teams usually lose one and wake up the next day regretting losing while thinking to themselves, "I can't believe we lost to them last night." Thanks Superbad, "We could be that guy!"

4. Win or lose, the messiah is still getting drafted this year. It may be late, but he'll get drafted. He'll have a less than pedestrian NFL career, give up football, and go into his passion, cutting foreskin off males in third world countries. Trust me, there's going to be a job opening for in "the biz" for him when he hangs up the cleats, and I'm sure nearly every preacher in the state of Florida would give up their wife or mistress to have him behind the pulpit. Not to mention, victorious or not, Tebow could still get with this girl:


In the words of Crown Pub, "Gunga Ga Gunga!! Those are some serious sweater cows." So, this game means nothing to the Tebows because, A) Tebow's personal career path is set (disgusting, but set), and he has nothing to gain here and B) The team knows they can still win a NC if they lose a game (see the loss to the Used Car Salesman last year).

So, call me a homer, give me the reasons the Hogs shouldn't win, but I'm not only drinking the Kool-Aid, I'm spiking it.

Go Hogs!
Beat the messiah and his 21 disciples!
Bells Paulsy out!

Hogs Near & Far

Since moving from the beautiful South and getting a job in DC, football season has changed for me. I'm lucky to make it down for 2 games/season, and I love every minute I'm home. However, when I can't afford a plane ticket to AR, I am comforted to know there is a Razorback Watch Party here in DC. Every Saturday, Arkansans get together at our "home bar" Penn Quarter Sports Tavern to yell Wooo Pig Sooie! We arrive early to claim our section, buy our discounted pitchers of beer, sport our favorite red t-shirts, clap loud enough for the players to hear us, and even go out to celebrate a W as if we were on Dickson. Some of us work on Capitol Hill for the AR Senators and Congressmen so we prepare for the watch party all week. Our group grows every season with new interns and fresh graduates hoping to find a job. The age of attendees ranges from 18-65 with long time fans who call Arkansas home. We even invite non Hog fans in successful attempts to teach them the Hog Call and how to bash HDN. Often times we have to share the same floor at the bar with other SEC fans including UGA and Ole Miss - - this just means we have to yell louder to show em whose Boss. DC Gal on the Fly will be bringing you updates on attendance, crazy stories from after the games, and even watch party pictures. See this video for Q and Stan's celebration after the Auburn win:
~DC Gal on the Fly

The Crown Pub Show

One of the most enjoyable parts of the week after a big win is looking back at all of the moments and remembering how great the Hogs looked on the field. In a way, there are never enough highlights. ESPN never seems to play that 5 yard touchdown scamper by a far from stealthy Ryan Mallett. And how on earth did they miss the 70 yard kickoff return by one of the most electrifying return men in the game, Dennis Johnson? To add insult to injury, Sports Illustrated's look back at the Top 25 in pictures showed an Auburn D-back (names McFadden ironically enough) intercepting a deep ball thrown by #15. But despite all of this, it's still all good.

However, there comes a time to move on and to start looking to the opponent ahead. I realize that the coaches and players were already moving on at about 3pm last Saturday, but as fans we love to revel in a good old fashioned ass kicking. So when is the proper time to move on? In my own experience, I have finally gotten my fill after watching one of the most boringly wonderful hours of television ever produced... The Bobby Petrino Show.*

Ever since I was a little kid I remember staying up on Sunday nights with my parents to watch what was originally the Danny Ford Show. Holy s***, if you ever want to hear someone butcher the English language, just watch an hour of Danny Ford talk about the games he coached. I still to this day remember the only player he knew on the entire team was BarrLunneyJunr (one word). Everyone else was "Good play #__." How this man won a National Championship I'll never know.

Then came the decade of Nutt. This was ten years of terrible television that was highlighted by quotes like "Gosh Chuck, you just gotta make that tackle. You bring that guy down and it's a diferent game." Or who can forget "He's a special player. He's a winner. A real fighter." In the words of a famous Alabama dimwit, that's all I got to say about that.

So with the introduction of Bobby Petrino came the introduction of the Bobby Petrino Show. Somehow, it's completely different than the previous 15 years of "entertainment" we've been blessed with, but equally as terrible. I have never seen a man make a huge win seem so damned boring, but somehow Coach Petrino does it. He manages to take what is an offensively spectacular display of passing and rushing and make it seem like the most mundane highlight reel ever put together.

But, for some reason, I've actually found my peace with this situation. It doesn't really bother me that I don't understand half of what the man talks about. I guess it just shows that he knows exactly what he's doing, and his coaching staff really is top notch. I don't really need to see the plays in the order they happen, just as long as I get to see them one last time. And just because Petrino may not be the most enthusiastic man on Earth doesn't mean he does not love the game with everything he's got.

So, if you ever find yourself looking to get that one last Saturday fix, look no further than to one of the most underrated hours television you'll ever find. But don't wait too long to do so, because before you know it, Tim Tebow will be here trying to circumcize your children and baptize your dogs.

~ Crown Pub

* The Bobby Petrino Show airs at 4pm on Tuesday afternoons on Fox Sports Southwest for viewers not currently residing in the Great State of Arkansas

Like Kevin Garnett, Anything is Possible

The Doctor is reporting live from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, where you can always get the best deals on text books, as long as you're friends with the athletes. They're the ones vacating the wins, not you, so you've got nothing to lose!

• It should be noted that Crown Pub nailed his predictions for the Auburn game, except for the one about the terrible War Eagle commercial. I was pleased about that. However, the University of Arkansas showed their newest crappy commercial, which features the "Razorbug" driving all around the state (and Dallas, inexplicably) before it finally arrives at Old Main. Thumbs down to this ad.
  
• Before the game, Hog Nation received a troubling bit of news: star sophomore wide out and Little Rock native Joe Adams suffered a mild stroke sometime during the week. He was out for Saturday's game against Auburn, and his status for the remainder of the season is unknown, but I would be very surprised if he returns this year. I hope I'm wrong.
• While I was straightening my hair and checking out my ass here in the privacy of my hotel room, I realized that the Hogs have now beaten Auburn four years in a row, twice in the plains and twice in the hills. Until they beat us, Auburn, Alabama will be known as Fayetteville East.

The Hogs travel to Gainesville this weekend to face the defending National Champions, the most overwhelming preseason number one ranked team of all time, and the current best team in the land, the Florida Jesus Christs. I'll leave the preview and predictions for the prognosticator himself, Bell's Paulsy, as well as Crown Pub, but if you'll direct your eyes a few inches below, I will leave you with a bit of inspiration.




The Doctor...is out.

What NOT to Wear

There are two types of Southerners:

1. The Classy, Polite Type that everyone else in the country makes fun of, but is secretly very jealous of.

2. This Guy… AKA Red Neck King.

I love being from the South and would have fit right in with Scarlett O’Hara, but Southerner #2 makes me want to make a bee-line to NYC.

This being said, I am admitting, here and now, that my fellow Hog Fans are some of the worst offenders. I have been to many an Away Game as well as more Alabama games than I care to name (The (not so) Razorboy went to Alabama, so have been forced to cheer for the tide for the past 2 years) . I was appalled while in Tuscaloosa for the game last month to see the majority of Razorback fans decided to dress like Southerner #2.

It literally made my eyes hurt.

So for the benefit of all you Hog Faithful making the trip to Florida (which is not a particularly fashion forward campus; they like jorts a lot) or more importantly Ole Miss in 2 weeks, I am here to help.

There is absolutely no excuse to wear the following:

1. Hog Hat/Hog Nose- Hilarious gag gift that could be pulled out for Halloween perhaps, but left at home on game day. I realize there actually is a game on HALLOWEEN; I will excuse these for 1 day.


2. Face Paint- Seriously? I am all for team spirit, but do you really think that face paint is going to make the team play better? Short answer: NO.


3. Body Paint- See # 2. Yes, you may make it on TV, but we are all making fun of you.


4. Shirt without Sleeves- This rule applies to males exclusively. Please, no woman wants to see your arms. I promise. NO WOMAN.

Acceptable Game Day Attire:

Males:

-Red and White Polos or Button Downs
-Jeans, Khakis, or Seersucker (before Labor Day Only)
-If you have a desperate situation: A Razorback T-shirt. I am not sure what the desperate situation would be… Everything is at the cleaners???

Females: See HOT HOGS to your right...

-Dresses or Skirts whenever possible (I realize sometimes it is simply too cold)
-When cold, a nice dress coat
-Jeans with a cute top, heels, or boots.
-I cannot condone any desperate situations for us…
*** Make sure that some part of your outfit is, indeed, red.

Please Hog Fans, take the above into consideration when packing for upcoming away games. Let’s put Arkansans back in the Southerner #1 category.

Yours- Razorbelle

Donna Bragg, The Freedom of Information Act & Ole Miss

I have a good friend that attended the University of Mississippi. We speak on a regular basis about Razorback and Rebel football. Before the 2008 NCAA football season, I honestly could have cared less about Ole Miss football unless Arkansas was about to play them. In my mind, they were in the lower echelon of the SEC. Yes, down with Mississippi State, Vanderbilt and Kentucky. However, something very interesting happened prior to the 2008 season. Houston Dale Nutt decided to take a head coaching job at another SEC school and that school happened to be the University of Mississippi. Hotty toddy ya'll!!!

I will admit that I do feel bad for the fans of the Miss that is Ole. They're good people that fell for THE Car Salesman. He can talk a good game, but when it comes down to having something under the hood, the engine is that of a '72 Ford Pinto and it will almost assuredly explode somewhere down the road. In my metaphor though, the Pinto actually slowly implodes by means of poor (repetitive) play calling, bad recruiting and just being an idiot.

In my various communications with my Ole Miss friend after the initial announcement of HDN, I was surprised to hear that Ole Miss fans were excited to have him! I asked him if he had been paying attention to the last decade of Arkansas football. I asked him if he had been paying attention to the repeated excitement and certainty that our football team was on the edge of being a regular in the top 25 rankings, only to be crushed by the recruiting and coaching of HDN.

Sure, we remember the good times with HDN: Matt Jones, Peyton Hillis, D-Mac, Felix and just not being Danny Ford. Sure, we remember being ranked sometimes (only to be knocked off by running the option two or three times in a row, to the same side, on third and long.) Sure, we remember going to bowls (only to lose to the Minnessote Golden Gophers or the Wisconsin Badgers after we'd talked up the SEC to all of our friends in other conferences.)

After almost a decade of hope, followed shortly thereafter by crushing disappointment, it came time for HDN to leave Arkansas. How, though, did you get rid of someone who shortly after a terrible football related move, seemingly completely redeemed himself, by either beating Texas, any number of ranked SEC teams or even a little Miracle on Markham? (Sidenote: Any and all terrible football related move by HDN that was followed by an amazing win, was undoubtedly immediately followed by another terrible football related move. A discerning Arkansas football fan knows this as HDN gospel.) In order to get an entire state against a coach that will never allow you to grow past a certain point as a football program, apparently all you need is the Freedom of Information Act. Thanks George W. Bush!

I'll leave the steamy details to the dossier, but let's just say my screen name isn't Springdale Holiday Inn because of their wonderful turndown service and excellent food. However, I do hear that their staff is very discreet.

The Freedom of Information Act and homely looking Northwest Arkansas newscaster Donna Bragg combined to allow Arkansans a chance to see the human side of the coaching equation: HDN is a d-bag. The FIA/Donna Bragg attention was the push that HDN needed to get rolling off of the Hill. Even though personal things should probably stay personal, I'm happy that HDN was revealed for the d-bag, liar he was/is so that the Natural State could finally come together in our hatred of the highest paid person under state employment.

My Ole Miss friend and I have continued to talk about Ole Miss and Arkansas football, but I must admit I have let up significantly on the trash talking, mainly because HDN does the work for me as Ole Miss nation is learning the ways of the Nutt on their own. I'll hold the details of Ole Miss' journey until my end of season HDN post entitled either "Ole Miss, Meet Houston Nutt" or "Ole Miss, Welcome to your Mediocre Era."

In summation, the only time HDN will rise to the occasion is when he is alone with a newscaster in a classy hotel. Hey, at least it was better than the Holiday Inn Express!

Hotty toddy Donna Bragg, hotty toddy indeed,

Springdale Holiday Inn